Baywatch

This one is a new one and was sent to a few RTE heads, Ronan Collins etc. let’s see if we get any response.

To: RTE heads

Dear Ronan,

Last night I was watching old reruns of Baywatch on one of those satellite channels that shows nothing but those old U.S. shows.

Anyway, in a fit of nostalgia I decided to curl one out during the opening credits, like I did all too often in my teens. But, I guess my timing not being as well honed as it was in my teens, I inadvertently coughed my yogurt just as David Hasslehoff appeared on screen!! Does this make me gay?

Yours etc
Derek

The picture was attached!!

Nerd alert!!

The response we got to this email had us in stitches for hours if not days!!

To: IWT : Irish Wildlife Trust
(Subject: Fair Race)

Hiya,

I was wondering if someone there could answer a quick question for me.

Lets say you had a race between a badger and a ferret.

How much weight would you have to tie to the ferret before it becomes a fair match? Hypothetically of course!

Sincerely yours
Martina Mary O’Connor

Reply: From: Billy Flynn IWT

Hmm, Interesting. Though I would normally roll my eyes and delete this kind of mail with a muttered oath, I am intrigued.

Ok, the Eurasian badger weighs up to 14kg or so and is obviously a much heavier and more cumbersome animal than the (max) 1.5 kg ferret.

Badgers have been recorded as able to shift rocks of some 25kg and are very strong AND faster than you might think. I have seen one gallop at about 15-20 km/h!

Right, given the far lesser strength of the ferret, I would thus estimate that only one tenth of its body weight added would be enough to allow the badger to easily outpace it.

Now, this is only hypothetical right?

If I ever hear of ANYONE caught strapping small weights to a ferret, nay, ANY mustelid, I will make sure that you are prosecuted with the full force of the law. Well, as far as it extends to ferrets at any rate.

Regards,
Billy Flynn Secretary

 

Im loving it!

Delighted with the hit we got with this one. Doesn’t get much better than your email being discussed at a management meeting.

To: McDonalds Ireland
(Subject: Chicken Nuggets)

Hi my name is Martina Mary O’Connor and I’m a long time customer of McDonalds. The later is important to note in the context of this email and I would expect some degree of respect in return for my loyalty.

The reason I am writing to you is because I’ve finally had enough!! For all the years that I’ve been going to McDonalds it’s always been the same. The bloody Chicken Nuggets don’t fit in the sauce tubs! This simply isn’t good enough. Don’t you know how irritating it is to have to bite off an edge of a chicken nugget before you can dunk it in the sauce tub? I know McDonalds prides itself on customer service, but is this product serving the customers needs to the full? I don’t think so!

I want to know if McDonalds have any plans to rectify this matter. I would suggest making the sauce tubs bigger or making the nuggets themselves more elongated thus allowing patrons like me the opportunity to enjoy each and every single bite of nugget to the full.

Yours Sincerely
Martina Mary ‘Connor

Reply : From: Nicola Branigan /  McDonalds Ireland

Hi Martina,

Shelly O’Hara passed your letter onto me for a reply. Incidentally, as it happens, our chicken supplier from the UK was in Ireland today for a meeting with our supply chain manager and I (Quality Assurance). We were looking at chicken products in the stores in general and I commented that we had received a letter from you about the size of the nuggets and that they did not fit into the sauce pots. So we decided to purchase a couple of portions of nuggets and sauces to look at the situation for ourselves.

There are four different shapes in nuggets. We call them the boot, the bone, the ball and the bell. We tried to dip the boot into the sauce and there was no issue. So we agreed the problem must be with the ball. However, we found that all four shapes dipped into the sauce pots without effort. We were a little confused as to why you were experiencing difficulties?

I do not doubt that you have had issues with the nuggets so I will monitor the situation when I’m in stores. If I do find that this is the case then we will certainly look at this in more detail.

Thank you for taking the time to give us this feedback. It is greatly appreciated.

Regards
Nicola Branigan
Food Safety

 

How do you like them apples?

Speaks for itself.

To: PaveePoint, Traveller human rights
(Subject: How many apples?)

Dear Sirs

My name is Patrick Joseph Michael Paul Ringo Bentley and I was just wondering how many apples does it take to make a Flagan of cider. It’s just that meself and me neighbor John Paull Jerry Saucepan Quilligan Boss have a bet on it . He is adament that it takes approximately 13 apples but I disaggree I was under the impression that it took at least 24 apples and an old sock.

Please please please can u sort this out for me
God Bless
Pa

Reply > None Yet!

Explosions in the night

Hit a few of the big electronic companies with this one…with some success.

To: To various VHS player Manufacturers (Subject: New VHS Player)

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Martina Mary O’Connor and I am a proud owner of one of your fine VHS players. Hither to now I’ve had no problem what so ever with your product.

Why am I writing to you then you may ask? Well in the last 5 years since I’ve had the VHS player I’ve bee plagued by my parents EVERY night to plug out the player as they fear it will explode during the night! I keep telling them that this is ridiculous and unnecessary but they don’t listen. They keep hassling me and hassling me until I have to promise them that I’ll plug it out.

As you can imaging I’m pretty miffed at this stage. The only thing I can think of that would ease their fears is if I got a letter of assurance from you stating that there is no fear that the player will explode during the night. If you could do this for me I would be hugely grateful.

While I’m on the subject, are there many cases of VHS players (yours or otherwise) exploding during the night? It’s just sometimes I start to think that maybe my parents might be right. Maybe I need my mind to be put at ease just as much as my parents do.

Yours truly,
Martina Mary O’Connor

Reply: 1 From: Daewoo Electronics

Dear Martina Mary O’Connor,

Thank you for your letter below.

I can confirm that all our products such as TV’s/VCR’s/DVD’s are designed to be left in the standby mode at all times, and they have passed all the industry standard safety certification in this respect. Therefore, it is not necessary to unplug the units from the mains overnight.

I hope this information will put your parents (and yours) mind at ease.

Yours sincerely,

For and on behalf of
Daewoo Electronics Sales UK Ltd

Reply: 2 From: SONY

Dear Ms Martina Mary O’Connor

Thank you for your recent e-mail.

I can confirm that Sony United Kingdom Limited manufactures products that conform to industry safety standards, and in the case of this VCR there is a power save mode that can be turned on, which will reduce the power consumption of the VCR to 1.2w when in standby mode. We would therefore not anticipate any problems when leaving this unit in standby overnight

In order to change this please access the ‘Options’ section from the Menu, go down to ‘Power Save’ and then change this to ‘ECO2’.

I hope that this information is of assistance to you.

With Regards

Barry Pollock
For and on Behalf of
Sony United Kingdom Limited

Reply: 3 From: Philips

Dear Ms. O’Connor,

Thank you for your recent e-mail.

With regards to your query we can advise that there is no immediate danger which can come from leaving your VCR plugged in overnight.

You should however in order to make an informed decision be aware that appliances left in standby mode continue to use electricity thus making it more energy efficient to turn off an appliance when it is
not in use.

The main factor regarding safety of leaving a VCR on constantly is that the plug, cable, and plug socket are maintained to a high level. As with any electrical appliance increased risk of fire occurs with frayed cable and unsafe plugs.

We trust that the information provided will be of assistance.

Should you require any further information please contact our Customer Care Centre (details below) quoting customer reference number
50-79976737.

Kind regards,
Philips Customer Care

Reply: 4 From: Panasonic

ISSUE RESOLUTION: Dear Mrs OConnor,

Thank you for your email enquiry.

In order to provide you with a full response, I have taken the opportunity to consult with our resident technical support advisors. They have explained that we would normally recommend that video cassette recorders be left in standby overnight, as they have been designed to perform timed recordings at any time in a 24 hour period and therefore do not need to be switched off from the mains. Also, the units have internal protection circuitry if a fault or problem should develop with the unit.

I trust that this information has been of assistance to you. However, of course, if you should have any further queries, please do not hesitate to contact us by either emailing us at customer.care@panaso nic.co.uk, by fax on 01344 853213, or by telephoning our Customer Care Centre on 08705 357357.

Regards,
Customer Support

One Mongoose, two Mongooses??

Got some good traction with this one but eventually we decided to blow the ruse with a give away re:reply.

To: The National Parks & Wildlife Service Ireland (Subject: Wildlife Question)

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Martina Mary O’Connor and I’m an avid bird watcher. A question arose at our last meeting of the Kenmare Bird Watching Association (of which I’m the chair person) and I’m hoping you can help us with find out the answer. What is the correct term to describe more than one Mongoose; the plural of Mongoose if you will?

I would have said its Mongooses and not Mongeese as others in the association maintain. Having investigated this question online I’ve not been able to find out definitely what the correct term is. If you could help me on this id be very grateful, a definition from NPWS would be indisputable.

Also if you could outline the difference, as you understand it, between Tits and Great Tits.

Thanking you in advance
Martina Mary O’Connor

Reply: 1 From: The National Parks & Wildlife Service Ireland

Ms O’Connor,

The Oxford English Dictionary is quite definitive on this: “mongoose

• noun (pl. mongooses) a small carnivorous mammal with a long body and tail, native to Africa and Asia.

— ORIGIN Marathi (a central Indian language).”

I have forwarded your other query relating to tits to one of our bird specialists.

Best wishes

Fe**** M****

******************** ***
Dr F***** M***
Ve***** ec***
National Parks and Wildlife Service
Department of Environment, Heritage and Local Government,
7 Ely Place
Dublin 2

Reply: 2 From: The National Parks & Wildlife Service Ireland

Martina,

With reference to your query the word Tits is the collective term referring to the different tit species in Ireland (Coal, Great and Blue) or elsewhere (Crested, Penduline etc). Great tit is one of the tit species.

Hope that is the clarification you wanted

Best Wishes

John

Re: Reply From Me To: The National Parks & Wildlife Service Ireland (Subject: Wildlife Question)

John,

First of all thank you for your speedy reply.

I’m still rather confused about Tits and Great Tits. Now Halle Berry obviously has Great Tits, fantastic even, but where would that leave the likes of Rachel Stevens or Kat off Eastenders??

Yours in Confusion,
Martina Mary O’Connor

Holistic Advice

Medical treatment had failed so we turned to an alternative!

To: Various different holistic centres in Dublin (Subject: Holistic Advice)

To Whom It May Concern:

My friend Martina M O’Connor gave me your contact details and said that you might be able to help me out with my problem. I have been meaning to go to a Holistic centre now for quite some time but was a little hesitant given the sensitive nature of my problem, plus there are so many here in Dublin that its hard to pick one. But once Martina recommended yourselves I felt confident that I found the right centre.

I have been having problems with my hole now for at least 3 years. Seepage and general discomfort are my main complaints but I also have problems with gas, or the overproduction of it at least.

Can I book an appointment at your earliest convenience to come in and get this looked after?

Thanking you in advance,
Kerry-Anne Fitzmaurice

Reply: Reply 1

Thank you for contacting me.

You are most welcome to visit me for a treatment. I am presuming from what you have told me that your problems are relative to your digestive and urinary systems (from the description you gave me)

I now work from Killiney. Is it reflexology that you are looking for?

My working hours are from 3pm – 8pm Monday – Friday.

Your initial treatment will involve taking some medical details from you to ascertain what treatment will suit you best.

Let me know when you are available and we can arrange an appointment.

With kind regards

S*** H****

Can we see the muff please

Sent this one to several tec companies like Microsoft, Firefox etc but only Microsoft came back with a reply.

To: Microsoft / Firefox / etc (Subject: Internet Question)

Hello my name is John Paul Quilligan, I’m not entirely sure if you are the right people to be writing to about this but I guess its as good a place to start as any.

I’m relatively new to computers but I do use Internet Explorer (which you make I think) to look at things on the internet. I find the internet great for looking up things and for keeping up to date with news etc.

Now, I’m not sure if it’s an Internet problem or an Internet Explorer problem but sometimes when I’m looking at sites it takes ages for pictures to show or fully load on my screen. I don’t have broadband so I presume this has a lot to do with it.

They say Broadband will be available in my area next year but in the mean time is there any way or can you tell me how I could get the pictures to load form the bottom of the screen up instead of from the top down, so I get to the muff quicker?

Thank you in advance for your help

JP Quilligan

Reply: From: Microsoft

Dear Mr Quilligan,

Thank you for your e-mail about the possibility of loading pictures from the bottom of your computer screen on the websites that you access using Microsoft® Internet Explorer browser.

From the information provided in your mail, I understand that you have a technical issue. However, I do not have the technical expertise to answer your query. I recommend that you contact us on 0870 60 10 100 for the best possible technical support options or answers to resolve your concern. The lines are open from 8am to 6pm, Monday to Friday, excluding public holidays.

If you would like to e-mail our Technical Support team directly, please visit the following link and choose your product: http://support.microsoft.com/select/?target=assistance

We also have a range of support services designed to assist you with technical issues. You can view them at: http://www.microsoft.com/uk/educatio…rces/#training

Many thanks for contacting us.

Kind Regards,

GEETHA SHIVAKUMAR
Customer Service Professional
Microsoft Customer Services

Comedy Genius – Stew

Bring back Stew!

To: Grand Pictures (Subject: Comedy Genius)

Hi

I would just like to say how much I enjoyed your comedy series “Stew”. I hope you will make another series of it as it was the funniest thing I have ever seen, well not the funniest I tell a lie. The funniest thing I have ever saw was the time my Cat accidently stood in a puddle oh how wet his paw was. That reminded me of the sketch about the Fat guy with the hair who fell over I nearly dropped my Rich Tea biscuits laughing (Comedy Genius).

And to all those people who said that this was probably the worst Irish Comedy that they have ever seen and to all those people who said that they were embarrassed that such a terrible comedy was associated with the irish people I say boo!! keep your heads held high, dont take any notice of them .

Just because 99.9% of the irish people called your comedy an absoulute pile of pooh does not mean that you should Give up alltogether – it might take a million years maybe more but we’ll prove them wrong.

Loving Your Work

G***** P C***

P.S Please make more sketches with the FAT Guy falling over

Reply: No Reply