Baywatch

This one is a new one and was sent to a few RTE heads, Ronan Collins etc. let’s see if we get any response.

To: RTE heads

Dear Ronan,

Last night I was watching old reruns of Baywatch on one of those satellite channels that shows nothing but those old U.S. shows.

Anyway, in a fit of nostalgia I decided to curl one out during the opening credits, like I did all too often in my teens. But, I guess my timing not being as well honed as it was in my teens, I inadvertently coughed my yogurt just as David Hasslehoff appeared on screen!! Does this make me gay?

Yours etc
Derek

The picture was attached!!

Settle a bet

To: Derek Mooney
(Subject: One Eyed Animal)

Dear Derek,

I was just wondering if you could settle a bet for me. Is it true that the only naturally occurring one eyed animal is the one eyed trouser snake?

My friend Geraldine says this is true but my neighbours cat only had one eye when she was born so does this make it not true.
Below is a picture of my neighbours cat Toby.

Yours Martina Mary O’Connor

Reply: No Reply!

Danger Here

To: George Hamilton
(Subject: Toast)

Dear George,

I have a question that I thought you might be able to help me with.

Why is it that when I set my toaster for 5 toast I get 6 and then when I try and set at 4 to get 5 I just get 4 toast?

I just don’t get it!!

Insanely yours
Martina Mary O’Connorr

Reply: No Reply!

 

Never change Nina…NEVER change!!!!!

Ok, time for some more RTE hits and misses.

To: RTE Complaints Dept
(Subject: Joe Duffy show)

To Whom It May Concern:

I was just watching ‘The View’ on RTE the other night when I spotted Joe Duffy (sans beard) as one of the guests.

I know I am not alone when I say, seeing Joe Duffy without his beard gave me quite a shock! What I want to know is, is this new beardless Joe Duffy going to be permanent fixture or does he intend to grow it back?

I really wish RTE or the Joe Duffy show would keep us the listeners informed of such major changes. Who knows how long I was listening to a beardless Joe Duffy on the Radio, it doesn’t bear thinking about. I mean if I wanted to listen to someone without a beard I would tune in to Pat Kenny, the pox.

Yours in disgust etc
Martina Mary O’Connor

Reply: From: RTE Complaints Dept

Dear Martina Mary,

Thank you for your e-mail, expressing shock at seeing Joe Duffy on ‘The View’ without his beard.
I have to confess that I have no idea how long Joe has been barefaced, but will forward your e-mail to those in the know for a response to this most serious question.

I am intrigued to know however how one could tell whether a radio broadcaster was hirsute or not from the sound of his or her voice.

With best regard
Nina Ward
RTÉ Information Officer

To: RTE Complaints Department
(Subject: Eddie Hobbs)

Dear Sir/Madam

I was just watching Eddie Hobbs new show the other day. Eddie was telling us how to best spend our SSIA money after the break I believe he suggested putting on a cape and firing out of a cannon over Niagara Falls, guaranteed this did intrigue me but I don’t see it as being a very smart way of investing money.

I might suggest investing in property or a new car (e.g a Fiat).

Now to fix my remote

Regards etc
Geraldine P Cunningham

Reply: From: RTE Complaints Department

Hi Geraldine,

I didn’t see the programme, so I don’t know what point Eddie Hobbs was making, but I’d venture to say that most of those who have SSIA accounts, myself included, have them earmarked for more mundane projects, such as a deposit on a property or replacing the car, and not just with a Fiat.

With best regards
Nina Ward
RTÉ Information Officer

To: Naked Camera / RTE
(Subject: New Series)

To Whom It May Concern

First of all may I say how much I hate your show! I can’t emphasise this point enough, I really do hate your show.
But that’s not why I’m writing to you. I’m writing to you to commend you on getting a second series off RTE. This really is some feat considering what a steaming pile of các briste the show actually is. I would really love to know how you managed it, no no really I would!

Regards etc
Martina Mary O’Connor

Reply: From: Naked Camera / RTE

Hi Martina Mary O’Connor,
It was a cash back-hander…

Mailbag

We also campaigned to get the great Arthur Daly and Mailbag back on our screens.

To: RTE Complaints Dept (Subject: Mailbag)

Just wondering if RTE have any plans to bring this great show (Mailbag) back to our screens. I was thrilled to see a fresh faced Arthur Murphy on a recent broadcast of that show “Blizzard of Odd”.

While I was delighted to see Arthur, I felt saddened by the fact he was reduced to a measly ‘cameo’  appearance on such a terrible show. Arthur in his heyday could have bought and sold Colin Murphy, yet here he was reduced to mere sidekick.

I think the return of mailbag to our screens would give RTE a much needed boost, by giving their viewers a forum to voice concerns and complaints and maybe even compliments concerning our national broadcasters schedule.

Yours faithfully
M*** M O’C**

Reply: From: RTE Complaints Dept (Subject: Mailbag)

Dear M***,

Your e-mail, requesting the return of Mailbag has been forwarded to the office of the Managing Director of Television, for information and interest.

Regards
RTÉ Information Office

Would it be possible to move the ‘Six One’ news?

Time to break out some of the classics. This series was again directed at RTE’s complaints department.

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To: RTE Complaints Dept (Subject: Six One)

Dear RTE,

Would it be possible to move the ‘Six One’ news to a later slot, ‘Six Forty Three’ perhaps, as I rarely make it home from work before half six.

Yours in anticipation
MM O’C

Reply: From: RTE Complaints Dept (Subject: Six One)

Dear ***,

Thank you for your e-mail. I regret to inform you that RTÉ has no plans to change the timing of either the Six One or the Nine O’Clock news bulletins.

Best regards
Nina Ward
RTÉ Information Officer

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To: RTE Complaints Dept (Subject: Fair City)

Any Chance youd cancel it ……………….
I’ll pay (name your price)

Much obliged
*****

Reply: From: RTE Complaints Dept (Subject: Fair City)

****,

No amount of money would induce us to spoil the enjoyment of over 600,000 viewers, for financial gain.

Is your remote control still missing?

regards
Nina Ward
RTÉ Information Officer

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To: RTE Complaints Dept (Subject: Reality TV)

Any truth to the rumour that RTE’s next big celebrity reality TV show involves the of putting of Pat Kenny, Twink, Brendan o Carroll and that boob-job trollop off you’re a star into a burlap sack with 12 cats?

This is a show that I know id watch plus it would see my TV licence fee put to good use.

Yours truly,

*****.

Reply: From: RTE Complaints Dept (Subject: Reality TV)

Hi *****,

Got to say that you’re first on board with that particular rumour, but I’ll run it past the relevant commissioning editor in case it has merit. I’m inclined to think however, that the DSPCA might veto cats being put in bags – burlap or otherwise.

Best regards
Nina Ward
RTÉ Information Officer

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To: RTE Complaints Dept (Subject: Him with the lisp)

Hi

Any chance youd have an email address for the gardener Gerry Daly (yes him with the beard). Remember he used to have a program called Gardners World (oh how I miss it ). If not would you have a contact  number for that gardener that used to be on Live at 3 (yes him with the Lisp)……actually make that an email address.

Failing this would you know what I should do with my Tulips as I feel their colours are clashing with my slippers which is in turn upsetting the Cat.

Insanely Yours

G*** P. C****

Reply: From: RTE Complaints Dept (Subject: Him with the lisp)

Hi *****,

As a keen gardener myself G****, my advice would be to GET RID OF THE CAT, and stay out of the garden in your slippers – the ground is far too wet.

If you really want to contact Gerry Daly, and he’ll say the same as I have, he can be contacted at the Irish Garden Magazine, 01 2862649 or garden.ie

The gardener with the lisp is Dermot O’Neill and his website is: dermotoneill.com

Best of luck with the tulips,
Nina Ward
RTÉ Information Officer

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Anything Goes!

Bring back Anything Goes i say, all is forgiven Aonghus! Another one from the ROT vaults.

To: Aonghus McAnally Of Anything Goes Fame!

Dear Aonghus,

Any truth to the rumour that ‘Anything Goes’ is set to make a return to our screens in RTEs summer schedule.

I know it would be a big ask for yourself to come out of retirement but do you really want to deprive another generation of such a top class show.

Yours
MM O’C

Reply: From: Aonghus McAnally

Dear Martina,

I am not aware of any such plans.
Thanks for the email,

Aonghus McAnally

Re: Reply: To: Aonghus McAnally

Dear Aonghus,

Thank you for your speedy reply.

It seems that I got the wrong end of the stick as far as ‘Anything Goes’ making a come back to our screens is concerned. Its a shame really as I think the standard of Saturday morning kids shows on RTE has taken a real down turn of late.

Thanks again for your reply.

Yours
MM O’C

P.S
I think my husband is having an affair!

Whats in a name?

One from the archives for you. I get the feeling we really got them going with this one.

To: IDtwo, Childrens show on RTE

Dear IDtwo,

Any truth to the rumour that your fantastic show “ID2” is going to be renamed “D4”? I think this would be a much more appropriate name not only because the grabasstic presenter comes across as your typical D4 trust fund baby but also because of the string of “Yáw Yáw Yáw” guest you insist on parading in front of us.

Yours
MM O’C
Age 11

Reply: From: IDTwo Team

Dear Martina,

Thank you for your mail – no there is no truth in the rumour that IDTwo will be named D4…
Perhaps when you are older you might look at becoming a TV producer and then you can call your programme anything you want!

Kind regards
The IDTwo Team

Re: Reply: To: IDTwo Team

Dear IDTwo Team,

Thank you for your speedy reply.
It seems that i got the wrong end of the stick as far as ‘ID Two’ making a name change is concerned.

As for your advice on my future career, funnily enough I already have my heart set on becoming a TV producer when I grow up! Perhaps some day when I make it as a TV producer I might get to produce ‘ID Two’. However, I fear that this is highly unlikely as the average lifespan for kids shows on RTE isn’t great (especially mediocre ones).

Regards
MM O’C