I’ll just pop it in the micro

Came up with the underpants series after one of my flat mates actually used the Microwave to dry his underpants one evening when he was in a hurry to head out. I emailed a number of large Microwave manufactures as I thought it might be interesting to see what the official line in regards to drying underpants in the micro was. I of course put a bit of a twist on the story……anyway…you’ll see what I mean below……enjoy.

To: Various Electrical companies

Hi,

Just a quick question for you . I’m hoping someone there can sort this out for me once and for all.
Are there any dangers/health risks I should be aware of as a result of wearing underpants which I have dried in one of your Microwaves?
Your ‘*****’ model to be more specific.

My brother keeps laughing at me and calling me Chernobyl-Anus! I only did it twice but he said ‘once is all it takes!’.

I really just want to put my mind at ease and have something concrete to defend against my brother and his mocking.

Sincerely Yours
Martina Mary O’ Connor

We actually received a number of replies and from different companies and with some we even pushed things a little further…read on.

Reply 1: From: Daewoo Electronics Sales UK Ltd

Dear Martina,

I have never received such a strange e-mail question concerning our microwave ovens before.

I can confirm that your health is not at risk BUT I would not advise you to dry your “underpants” in the microwave in future, as the microwave oven is not designed for this purpose. Only use the microwave oven for the purpose it has been designed for i.e. cooking and defrosting of food/beverages.

Yours sincerely,

For and on behalf of
Daewoo Electronics Sales UK Ltd

P.S. On a light-hearted note you may be interested to read the reply I received from our Senior Engineer regarding your query: “May I suggest that he obtains a Giga-counter and checks the amount of radiation in his underpants because anything above a reading of 5, could damage his balls!!!”

(This would be quite funny BUT he has not realised that you are a lady!!)

I simply had to reply to our friend in Daewoo who suggested i use a Giga-counter to check if my balls were effected by the Microwave Underpants.

Re: Reply 1: To: Daewoo Electronics

Dear Adam,
Thank you very much for your speedy reply.
Its as I suspected really, my brother was only trying to scare me.
Thanks again for putting my mind at ease.

Yours
Martina Mary O’Connor

P.S
You might also thank that Senior Engineer for me. Thank him for his concern and for his theory on how to test if I was in danger. You might inform him that while his theory was sound that it wouldn’t really have helped me as I mostly wear my underpants on my head………………mostly!

We also had they guys in Sanyo Ireland going.

Reply 2: From: SANYO Ireland Ltd

Dear Ms O’Connor

Under no circumstances should your microwave oven be used for any purpose other than defrosting/reheating or cooking food. Using your oven to dry clothes is dangerous in so far as it is a fire hazard.

Best regards
David Haskins
SANYO Ireland Ltd.
Telephone 353-1-4568910

Re: Reply 2: To: SANYO Ireland Ltd

David,

Yes I know how dangerous it was to dry my underpants in the Micro but I was in an awful HURRY both times and I didn’t want to go commando (or ‘free-balling’ as you might call it).

All I want to know is should I be worried that by my wearing underpants which I dried in the Micro, might I have damaged my innards in some way?

Thanks for your Reply
Regards
Martina

Re: Re: Reply 2: From: SANYO Ireland Ltd

Dear Ms O’Connor

Unless your underwear was actually on fire when you removed them from the oven there is no risk to your “innards”.

Best regards
David Haskins
SANYO Ireland Ltd.
Telephone 353-1-4568910

Nerd alert!!

The response we got to this email had us in stitches for hours if not days!!

To: IWT : Irish Wildlife Trust
(Subject: Fair Race)

Hiya,

I was wondering if someone there could answer a quick question for me.

Lets say you had a race between a badger and a ferret.

How much weight would you have to tie to the ferret before it becomes a fair match? Hypothetically of course!

Sincerely yours
Martina Mary O’Connor

Reply: From: Billy Flynn IWT

Hmm, Interesting. Though I would normally roll my eyes and delete this kind of mail with a muttered oath, I am intrigued.

Ok, the Eurasian badger weighs up to 14kg or so and is obviously a much heavier and more cumbersome animal than the (max) 1.5 kg ferret.

Badgers have been recorded as able to shift rocks of some 25kg and are very strong AND faster than you might think. I have seen one gallop at about 15-20 km/h!

Right, given the far lesser strength of the ferret, I would thus estimate that only one tenth of its body weight added would be enough to allow the badger to easily outpace it.

Now, this is only hypothetical right?

If I ever hear of ANYONE caught strapping small weights to a ferret, nay, ANY mustelid, I will make sure that you are prosecuted with the full force of the law. Well, as far as it extends to ferrets at any rate.

Regards,
Billy Flynn Secretary

 

Final year project

To: Galtee & Calvita
(Subject: Easy Singles)

To whom it may concern,

My name is Martina Mary O’Connor and I’m a final year arts student studying at UCC in Cork.

I am a huge fan of Calvita cheese, particularly your easy single range and it is on foot of this great love that I took it upon myself to fashion my greatest masterpiece (to date) using nothing but Calvita easy singles.

Let me explain. As part of my abstract arts module I had to undertake a project for my final year. I decided to combine as part of my project the two passions in my life, cheese and fashion.

It took me 5 and a half weeks but I have finally completed my masterpiece, a three piece suit fashioned entirely from easy singles, Calvita easy singles. It Is quite a sight!

Because of the very nature of the project it has been secluded for an early marking date next week. I fear the life-span of the completed project is limited and this is why I was granted an early evaluation from the college.

The reason I’m writing to you is basically to inform the powers that be there at Calvita of my project.

I would also like to put my project at the disposal of the company to use maybe as part of an ad campaign or however they see fit.

Again I would like to remind you of the limited lifespan of the project and that any use it might have will be lost as the cheese starts to go off.

Yours Faithfully
Martina Mary O’Connor

Reply: From: Cliodhna Barlow,DairyGold

Hi Martina,

Would it be possible to get a digital shot of the piece?

I appreciate that it may be too late you use the actual piee but we may be able to use a digital shot of it later down the line.

Kind regards,
Cliodhna Barlow

RE: Reply: To: Cliodhna Barlow, DairyGold

Hi Cliodhna,

I am delighted you showed interest in my final year project and maybe had I head from you sooner I might have something to show you.

The thing is, my dog ate the project! Every last bit of it!

Sorry!
Martina Mary O Connor

 

Let them eat cheese!

Cheese was one of our favourite topics it has to be said.

To: Health Dept
(Subject: Adverse Effects)

Hi,

Just wondering if you can help me with a little question.

Are there are any adverse effects to human body as a result of eating large amounts of cheese?

I haven’t noticed any side effects so far and I just can’t seem to stop eating the stuff.

P.S On a totally unrelated matter, my cat hates you.

Insanely Yours
Martina M O’Connor

Reply: No Reply

To: Irish Dairy Board
(Subject: Aruba)

Hi,

Just wondering if you can help me with a little question.

Is it true that eating copious amounts of cheese can have adverse effects on human health, both mental and physical?

Its just, I’ve been eating nothing but cheese for the last three weeks now and haven’t noticed any side effects.

I would really like to have an answer to this question ASAP as the cat and myself have a three-week holiday to Aruba booked for next week and we really need to know how much cheese we need to pack.

Insanely Yours
Martina M O’Connor

Reply: From:Liam Hassett, Irish Dairy Board

Dear Martina,

Thanks for your email.

I am glad to see you are a cheese lover.

Unfortunately I am not an expert on diet or any medical field.

I would suggest moderation in all things including consumption of cheese.

I hope you enjoy Aruba.

Kind Regards
Liam Hassett Irish Dairy Board

 

Its a Thong Thing

The Thong series of emails was a one of our favourite in the early days as the responses were so varied. Tennis Ireland clearly copped on to us which again makes it all the more funny.

To: GAA Headquarters & Tennis Ireland , Subject: Attire
- substitute tennis for hurling where applicable

Hi,

My name is M*** M** O’C***, im 23 years of age and I play camogie with Toomevara club in Tipperary.

I am writing to you in the hope that someone there can clarify exactly where the GAA stand on certain rules regarding playing attire.

Ill cut straight to the chase. The issue of weather or not we as camogie players are allowed to wear a thong during play has become a major point of contention within the club of late, with opinions generally split down the middle.

I would be hugely grateful if you could clarify exactly the GAAs stance on this issue as it really has both sides divided here.

The sooner we have clarification, either way, the sooner the team can put the issue behind them and concentrate on the upcoming championship.

Regards M**** M O’****

Reply 1: From: Maire Ui Scolai, National Camogie PRO

Hi,

You recently sent an e-mail to Siobh n Brady in the GAA Office in Croke Park and which was sent on to me.

Rule 20.8 states that Teams are required to wear distinctive colours.

In all instances all members of the team must be unifirmly dressed.

Uniforms, which shall be of Irish manufacture if possible, shall consist of: gym tunic/skirt/divided skirt with matching sports underwear,blouse/sports shirt with long or short sleeves, knee socks and boots.

Goalkeepers may wear full uniform, full club/college/county/provincial track suit or the tracksuit bottoms with uniform jersey.

The crest of Cumann Cam gaiochta na nGael shall be displayed on the uniform jerseys.

Maire Maire Ui Scolai
National Camogie PRO
Ph/Fax: 01 2849***
Mobile: 087 2797***
Web Site: www.camogie.ie

Reply 2: From: Aileen Rogan, Tennis Ireland

Hi Martina,

Thanks for your email. There is nothing at all in the Rules of Tennis regarding the wearing of a thong.

I hope that this clarifies the matter for you.

Kind regards Aileen Rogan

Reply 3: Des Allen, Chief Executive Officer Tennis Ireland

Hi Martina,

This whole question of appropriate underwear for young ladies while playing Tennis does concern us.

Some of the older members of your club probably feel you have quite a cheek for exposing your issues to Tennis Ireland….however we hope to strip away some of the more flimsy arguments and get right to the bottom of this matter.

Before taking up a position on your thong I would ask you to send on some photos/ samples.

We are not about to go into this investigation in a half-assed way.

Des Allen
Chief Executive Officer Tennis Ireland

Settle a bet

To: Derek Mooney
(Subject: One Eyed Animal)

Dear Derek,

I was just wondering if you could settle a bet for me. Is it true that the only naturally occurring one eyed animal is the one eyed trouser snake?

My friend Geraldine says this is true but my neighbours cat only had one eye when she was born so does this make it not true.
Below is a picture of my neighbours cat Toby.

Yours Martina Mary O’Connor

Reply: No Reply!

100m hurdle with a difference

We did have some fun with the Garda Press Office from time to time.

To: Garda Press Office
(Subject: Quick question)

Hi,

I’m sorry to bother you but I have a quick query that I’d like to make.

Is it illegal to race prostitutes against each other or would this be classified as breaking the law? Obviously money would change hands but that would not be for sexual favours but strictly for racing purposes. A few freinds of mine are planning a 100m hurdle race for prostitutes along the canal next week but would like clarification on the legality of the matter.

Yours Sincerely

Geraldine P. Cunninghamrn

From: Garda Press Office

Geraldine,

Your email is somewhat confusing. You seem to be intending to identify certain individuals as persons who have broken the law. This could have legal implications for yourself. I would suggest that if you’re seeking legal advice then you should consult a solicitor on the matter.

Perhaps you should also consult with the Revenue Commissioners who would have an interest in investigating earnings liable to tax.

Regards,

Sgt R*** F******,
Press Office,
Garda Si­ochana,
www.garda.ie

Im loving it!

Delighted with the hit we got with this one. Doesn’t get much better than your email being discussed at a management meeting.

To: McDonalds Ireland
(Subject: Chicken Nuggets)

Hi my name is Martina Mary O’Connor and I’m a long time customer of McDonalds. The later is important to note in the context of this email and I would expect some degree of respect in return for my loyalty.

The reason I am writing to you is because I’ve finally had enough!! For all the years that I’ve been going to McDonalds it’s always been the same. The bloody Chicken Nuggets don’t fit in the sauce tubs! This simply isn’t good enough. Don’t you know how irritating it is to have to bite off an edge of a chicken nugget before you can dunk it in the sauce tub? I know McDonalds prides itself on customer service, but is this product serving the customers needs to the full? I don’t think so!

I want to know if McDonalds have any plans to rectify this matter. I would suggest making the sauce tubs bigger or making the nuggets themselves more elongated thus allowing patrons like me the opportunity to enjoy each and every single bite of nugget to the full.

Yours Sincerely
Martina Mary ‘Connor

Reply : From: Nicola Branigan /  McDonalds Ireland

Hi Martina,

Shelly O’Hara passed your letter onto me for a reply. Incidentally, as it happens, our chicken supplier from the UK was in Ireland today for a meeting with our supply chain manager and I (Quality Assurance). We were looking at chicken products in the stores in general and I commented that we had received a letter from you about the size of the nuggets and that they did not fit into the sauce pots. So we decided to purchase a couple of portions of nuggets and sauces to look at the situation for ourselves.

There are four different shapes in nuggets. We call them the boot, the bone, the ball and the bell. We tried to dip the boot into the sauce and there was no issue. So we agreed the problem must be with the ball. However, we found that all four shapes dipped into the sauce pots without effort. We were a little confused as to why you were experiencing difficulties?

I do not doubt that you have had issues with the nuggets so I will monitor the situation when I’m in stores. If I do find that this is the case then we will certainly look at this in more detail.

Thank you for taking the time to give us this feedback. It is greatly appreciated.

Regards
Nicola Branigan
Food Safety

 

Never change Nina…NEVER change!!!!!

Ok, time for some more RTE hits and misses.

To: RTE Complaints Dept
(Subject: Joe Duffy show)

To Whom It May Concern:

I was just watching ‘The View’ on RTE the other night when I spotted Joe Duffy (sans beard) as one of the guests.

I know I am not alone when I say, seeing Joe Duffy without his beard gave me quite a shock! What I want to know is, is this new beardless Joe Duffy going to be permanent fixture or does he intend to grow it back?

I really wish RTE or the Joe Duffy show would keep us the listeners informed of such major changes. Who knows how long I was listening to a beardless Joe Duffy on the Radio, it doesn’t bear thinking about. I mean if I wanted to listen to someone without a beard I would tune in to Pat Kenny, the pox.

Yours in disgust etc
Martina Mary O’Connor

Reply: From: RTE Complaints Dept

Dear Martina Mary,

Thank you for your e-mail, expressing shock at seeing Joe Duffy on ‘The View’ without his beard.
I have to confess that I have no idea how long Joe has been barefaced, but will forward your e-mail to those in the know for a response to this most serious question.

I am intrigued to know however how one could tell whether a radio broadcaster was hirsute or not from the sound of his or her voice.

With best regard
Nina Ward
RTÉ Information Officer

To: RTE Complaints Department
(Subject: Eddie Hobbs)

Dear Sir/Madam

I was just watching Eddie Hobbs new show the other day. Eddie was telling us how to best spend our SSIA money after the break I believe he suggested putting on a cape and firing out of a cannon over Niagara Falls, guaranteed this did intrigue me but I don’t see it as being a very smart way of investing money.

I might suggest investing in property or a new car (e.g a Fiat).

Now to fix my remote

Regards etc
Geraldine P Cunningham

Reply: From: RTE Complaints Department

Hi Geraldine,

I didn’t see the programme, so I don’t know what point Eddie Hobbs was making, but I’d venture to say that most of those who have SSIA accounts, myself included, have them earmarked for more mundane projects, such as a deposit on a property or replacing the car, and not just with a Fiat.

With best regards
Nina Ward
RTÉ Information Officer

To: Naked Camera / RTE
(Subject: New Series)

To Whom It May Concern

First of all may I say how much I hate your show! I can’t emphasise this point enough, I really do hate your show.
But that’s not why I’m writing to you. I’m writing to you to commend you on getting a second series off RTE. This really is some feat considering what a steaming pile of các briste the show actually is. I would really love to know how you managed it, no no really I would!

Regards etc
Martina Mary O’Connor

Reply: From: Naked Camera / RTE

Hi Martina Mary O’Connor,
It was a cash back-hander…

Famed as the biggest spoofers in the country

The Reign of Terror extended beyond mere piss take emails from time to time and took on “the man” on behalf of the little guy. ‘The Man’ this time being the tourist Mecca that is Johnnie Fox’s Pub. The email stirred Johnnie Fox’s publicity machine into action and a comprehensive if spurious reply was received. Not sure if this incident was the catalyst but soon after, it was picked up on the radio where the Ordnance Survey confirmed and exposed Johnnie Fox’s Pub as being the 3rd, yes 3rd, highest pub in Ireland!! So as a result all their advertising and signage now carries, if somewhat discretely paced, the word ‘famed’ i.e. “famed as the highest pub in Ireland“.

The Man 0 – 1 The ROT!

To: Johnnie Fox’s Pub (Subject: Your claim to be the Highest Pub in Ireland)

To whom it may concern,I was recently watching TV, RTE1 I think it was when I saw an ad for Johnnie Fox’s Pub. Imagine my surprise when at the end of the ad I heard clear as day “Come to Johnnie Fox’s Pub, the highest pub in Ireland”!

I cannot believe you are still selling yourself, falsely, as the highest pub in Ireland! It has been proven that you are in fact the second highest pub in Ireland, after Top Of Coom in Kerry, FACT! Do you dispute this fact?I felt compelled to contact the Broadcasting Complaints Commission and inform them of this blatant false advertising, but I said id contact yourselves first and give you a chance to change the ad or at least explain yourselves. I’m sure changing the ad and all advertising with ‘the highest pub in Ireland’ on it to ‘the second highest pub in Ireland’ might be costly and awkward but the truth is the truth and the truth hurts!

I look forward to your reply,
Yours truly,
S**** B***

Reply: 1 From Johnnie Fox’s Pub

Good Afternoon Susanne,

Thank you for your email dated Tuesday May 23rd 2006.

I have forwarded your email to the relevant person in Johnnie Foxs and they will contact you directly.
Regards,
Diane

Reply: 2 From Johnnie Fox’s Pub

Dear Susanne;

Thank you for your email question in reference to our advertising campaigns and in specific to our television campaign.
This question has arisen before and was officially investigated in full by the Advertising Standards Authority of Ireland on the 27th January 2003 by their Chief Executive Mr. Edward McCumiskey when we originally launched our television campaign.
Their report stated that we must conform to the requirements of the Code of Advertising Standards and the Code of Sales Promotion Practice which concluded by stating that we had not breached either of these codes or standards therein with our choice of wording used in our television campaigns.

Also our advertising campaigns which are seen in print & television as well as being heard on radio throughout Ireland, the United Kingdom and Europe have each been backed and permitted after being checked thoroughly by each advertising agency or company as they must also conform to legislation.

Susanne above is the official response but please do read on for a more informal response from myself.

The public houses which lay claim to the fame of height are as follows:

Top of Coom
“Highest Pub in Ireland”
Music Sessions on Thur. Nights
Tel. 064-85373

Roundwood Inn
“Highest Pub & the Highest Village in Ireland”
Roundwood
Co.Wicklow
Tel: +353 (0)1 281 8107

The Ponderosa Bar
“Highest Pub in all Ireland”
974 Glenshane Road
Dungiven
Co Derry

Johnnie Fox’s Pub
“The Highest Pub In Ireland”
Glencullen
Co Dublin
Tel: +353 1 2955647

As you can see it is not just one pub making the famous claim, for example the pub in Roundwood lays the claim by default as it is situated in the highest village in Ireland and this is allowed to be claimed in advertising as it is the highest village and they are the highest pub in that village thereby in advertising acceptance by association. Equally the Ponderosa claims height due to their being the highest in Northern Ireland, again this is permitted in their advertising to make the claim. So as you can see fact does not always come in to play within advertising, (for another example, Guinness may state they are the best stout in Ireland” but one would assume that this is a matter of opinion and could not be proven, advertising allows this assumption, equally the “Oldest Pub in Ireland” has many laying claim there also) in fact when I last spoke on live radio with each owner of each of these four venues on a national radio show (which hosted the exact same debate but felt that each pub should give its perspective live on air whilst the other pubs listened in) it was agreed that all laid claim and all did so knowing of the existence of the others claims but no one minded or pursued anything individually in this matter as all agreed that at the end of the day it was all good for business all round, all agreed that it was always a good talking point and sure if we were not all claiming then we would not have ended up on the radio show.

Generally there is a good banter between all on the matter and all that matters to the businesses and the likes of Bord Failte and Dublin Tourism, Tourism Ireland, etc., is that the people frequenting or visiting only once to each venue get what they perceive as being top service and quality and a feeling of traditionalism throughout, I can say with certainty that our customers come here for the overall package, our tradition, our value, our location, our views, our live entertainment, our unique menu, our excellent service, our gold medals and awards of recognition for culinary achievements and so forth, they come for the famous museum like interior, they come for the happy smoking bus, the authentic paraphernalia etc., they come because local Irish people tell each other and guests to come here, not due to our advertising campaigns alone but due to our reputation Susanne.

As for actual heights Susanne, I can be very honest and say that I do not have the facts on the heights of the four individual pubs (of course I do have my own heights) laying the claim nor would I pursue the claims made by any other but if you do get the actual factual heights I would love to see them and where they came from as I am always open to information. As you stated in your letter, that we are the second highest pub in Ireland, and you stated this was fact, I would not be so rude as to presume to argue with you, I would rather say that I do not have your facts or your origin of facts, but, that all aside I would not argue with the public houses in third or fourth place laying claim either, as I said it is all in good taste, good spirit and it is also “permitted in Irish law” by governing bodies over advertising such as ASAI.

If I can be of any further assistance Susanne please do not hesitate in contacting me directly on this or in fact any other matter and I will do my level best to accommodate. I will be away on leave from Thursday evening 24th May until Thursday week.

Kindest regards

Fred Rainert
Business & Marketing Manager
Johnnie Fox’s Pub
Glencullen
Dublin Mountains
Ireland