Baywatch

This one is a new one and was sent to a few RTE heads, Ronan Collins etc. let’s see if we get any response.

To: RTE heads

Dear Ronan,

Last night I was watching old reruns of Baywatch on one of those satellite channels that shows nothing but those old U.S. shows.

Anyway, in a fit of nostalgia I decided to curl one out during the opening credits, like I did all too often in my teens. But, I guess my timing not being as well honed as it was in my teens, I inadvertently coughed my yogurt just as David Hasslehoff appeared on screen!! Does this make me gay?

Yours etc
Derek

The picture was attached!!

I’ll just pop it in the micro

Came up with the underpants series after one of my flat mates actually used the Microwave to dry his underpants one evening when he was in a hurry to head out. I emailed a number of large Microwave manufactures as I thought it might be interesting to see what the official line in regards to drying underpants in the micro was. I of course put a bit of a twist on the story……anyway…you’ll see what I mean below……enjoy.

To: Various Electrical companies

Hi,

Just a quick question for you . I’m hoping someone there can sort this out for me once and for all.
Are there any dangers/health risks I should be aware of as a result of wearing underpants which I have dried in one of your Microwaves?
Your ‘*****’ model to be more specific.

My brother keeps laughing at me and calling me Chernobyl-Anus! I only did it twice but he said ‘once is all it takes!’.

I really just want to put my mind at ease and have something concrete to defend against my brother and his mocking.

Sincerely Yours
Martina Mary O’ Connor

We actually received a number of replies and from different companies and with some we even pushed things a little further…read on.

Reply 1: From: Daewoo Electronics Sales UK Ltd

Dear Martina,

I have never received such a strange e-mail question concerning our microwave ovens before.

I can confirm that your health is not at risk BUT I would not advise you to dry your “underpants” in the microwave in future, as the microwave oven is not designed for this purpose. Only use the microwave oven for the purpose it has been designed for i.e. cooking and defrosting of food/beverages.

Yours sincerely,

For and on behalf of
Daewoo Electronics Sales UK Ltd

P.S. On a light-hearted note you may be interested to read the reply I received from our Senior Engineer regarding your query: “May I suggest that he obtains a Giga-counter and checks the amount of radiation in his underpants because anything above a reading of 5, could damage his balls!!!”

(This would be quite funny BUT he has not realised that you are a lady!!)

I simply had to reply to our friend in Daewoo who suggested i use a Giga-counter to check if my balls were effected by the Microwave Underpants.

Re: Reply 1: To: Daewoo Electronics

Dear Adam,
Thank you very much for your speedy reply.
Its as I suspected really, my brother was only trying to scare me.
Thanks again for putting my mind at ease.

Yours
Martina Mary O’Connor

P.S
You might also thank that Senior Engineer for me. Thank him for his concern and for his theory on how to test if I was in danger. You might inform him that while his theory was sound that it wouldn’t really have helped me as I mostly wear my underpants on my head………………mostly!

We also had they guys in Sanyo Ireland going.

Reply 2: From: SANYO Ireland Ltd

Dear Ms O’Connor

Under no circumstances should your microwave oven be used for any purpose other than defrosting/reheating or cooking food. Using your oven to dry clothes is dangerous in so far as it is a fire hazard.

Best regards
David Haskins
SANYO Ireland Ltd.
Telephone 353-1-4568910

Re: Reply 2: To: SANYO Ireland Ltd

David,

Yes I know how dangerous it was to dry my underpants in the Micro but I was in an awful HURRY both times and I didn’t want to go commando (or ‘free-balling’ as you might call it).

All I want to know is should I be worried that by my wearing underpants which I dried in the Micro, might I have damaged my innards in some way?

Thanks for your Reply
Regards
Martina

Re: Re: Reply 2: From: SANYO Ireland Ltd

Dear Ms O’Connor

Unless your underwear was actually on fire when you removed them from the oven there is no risk to your “innards”.

Best regards
David Haskins
SANYO Ireland Ltd.
Telephone 353-1-4568910

Nerd alert!!

The response we got to this email had us in stitches for hours if not days!!

To: IWT : Irish Wildlife Trust
(Subject: Fair Race)

Hiya,

I was wondering if someone there could answer a quick question for me.

Lets say you had a race between a badger and a ferret.

How much weight would you have to tie to the ferret before it becomes a fair match? Hypothetically of course!

Sincerely yours
Martina Mary O’Connor

Reply: From: Billy Flynn IWT

Hmm, Interesting. Though I would normally roll my eyes and delete this kind of mail with a muttered oath, I am intrigued.

Ok, the Eurasian badger weighs up to 14kg or so and is obviously a much heavier and more cumbersome animal than the (max) 1.5 kg ferret.

Badgers have been recorded as able to shift rocks of some 25kg and are very strong AND faster than you might think. I have seen one gallop at about 15-20 km/h!

Right, given the far lesser strength of the ferret, I would thus estimate that only one tenth of its body weight added would be enough to allow the badger to easily outpace it.

Now, this is only hypothetical right?

If I ever hear of ANYONE caught strapping small weights to a ferret, nay, ANY mustelid, I will make sure that you are prosecuted with the full force of the law. Well, as far as it extends to ferrets at any rate.

Regards,
Billy Flynn Secretary

 

Final year project

To: Galtee & Calvita
(Subject: Easy Singles)

To whom it may concern,

My name is Martina Mary O’Connor and I’m a final year arts student studying at UCC in Cork.

I am a huge fan of Calvita cheese, particularly your easy single range and it is on foot of this great love that I took it upon myself to fashion my greatest masterpiece (to date) using nothing but Calvita easy singles.

Let me explain. As part of my abstract arts module I had to undertake a project for my final year. I decided to combine as part of my project the two passions in my life, cheese and fashion.

It took me 5 and a half weeks but I have finally completed my masterpiece, a three piece suit fashioned entirely from easy singles, Calvita easy singles. It Is quite a sight!

Because of the very nature of the project it has been secluded for an early marking date next week. I fear the life-span of the completed project is limited and this is why I was granted an early evaluation from the college.

The reason I’m writing to you is basically to inform the powers that be there at Calvita of my project.

I would also like to put my project at the disposal of the company to use maybe as part of an ad campaign or however they see fit.

Again I would like to remind you of the limited lifespan of the project and that any use it might have will be lost as the cheese starts to go off.

Yours Faithfully
Martina Mary O’Connor

Reply: From: Cliodhna Barlow,DairyGold

Hi Martina,

Would it be possible to get a digital shot of the piece?

I appreciate that it may be too late you use the actual piee but we may be able to use a digital shot of it later down the line.

Kind regards,
Cliodhna Barlow

RE: Reply: To: Cliodhna Barlow, DairyGold

Hi Cliodhna,

I am delighted you showed interest in my final year project and maybe had I head from you sooner I might have something to show you.

The thing is, my dog ate the project! Every last bit of it!

Sorry!
Martina Mary O Connor

 

Let them eat cheese!

Cheese was one of our favourite topics it has to be said.

To: Health Dept
(Subject: Adverse Effects)

Hi,

Just wondering if you can help me with a little question.

Are there are any adverse effects to human body as a result of eating large amounts of cheese?

I haven’t noticed any side effects so far and I just can’t seem to stop eating the stuff.

P.S On a totally unrelated matter, my cat hates you.

Insanely Yours
Martina M O’Connor

Reply: No Reply

To: Irish Dairy Board
(Subject: Aruba)

Hi,

Just wondering if you can help me with a little question.

Is it true that eating copious amounts of cheese can have adverse effects on human health, both mental and physical?

Its just, I’ve been eating nothing but cheese for the last three weeks now and haven’t noticed any side effects.

I would really like to have an answer to this question ASAP as the cat and myself have a three-week holiday to Aruba booked for next week and we really need to know how much cheese we need to pack.

Insanely Yours
Martina M O’Connor

Reply: From:Liam Hassett, Irish Dairy Board

Dear Martina,

Thanks for your email.

I am glad to see you are a cheese lover.

Unfortunately I am not an expert on diet or any medical field.

I would suggest moderation in all things including consumption of cheese.

I hope you enjoy Aruba.

Kind Regards
Liam Hassett Irish Dairy Board

 

Its a Thong Thing

The Thong series of emails was a one of our favourite in the early days as the responses were so varied. Tennis Ireland clearly copped on to us which again makes it all the more funny.

To: GAA Headquarters & Tennis Ireland , Subject: Attire
– substitute tennis for hurling where applicable

Hi,

My name is M*** M** O’C***, im 23 years of age and I play camogie with Toomevara club in Tipperary.

I am writing to you in the hope that someone there can clarify exactly where the GAA stand on certain rules regarding playing attire.

Ill cut straight to the chase. The issue of weather or not we as camogie players are allowed to wear a thong during play has become a major point of contention within the club of late, with opinions generally split down the middle.

I would be hugely grateful if you could clarify exactly the GAAs stance on this issue as it really has both sides divided here.

The sooner we have clarification, either way, the sooner the team can put the issue behind them and concentrate on the upcoming championship.

Regards M**** M O’****

Reply 1: From: Maire Ui Scolai, National Camogie PRO

Hi,

You recently sent an e-mail to Siobh n Brady in the GAA Office in Croke Park and which was sent on to me.

Rule 20.8 states that Teams are required to wear distinctive colours.

In all instances all members of the team must be unifirmly dressed.

Uniforms, which shall be of Irish manufacture if possible, shall consist of: gym tunic/skirt/divided skirt with matching sports underwear,blouse/sports shirt with long or short sleeves, knee socks and boots.

Goalkeepers may wear full uniform, full club/college/county/provincial track suit or the tracksuit bottoms with uniform jersey.

The crest of Cumann Cam gaiochta na nGael shall be displayed on the uniform jerseys.

Maire Maire Ui Scolai
National Camogie PRO
Ph/Fax: 01 2849***
Mobile: 087 2797***
Web Site: http://www.camogie.ie

Reply 2: From: Aileen Rogan, Tennis Ireland

Hi Martina,

Thanks for your email. There is nothing at all in the Rules of Tennis regarding the wearing of a thong.

I hope that this clarifies the matter for you.

Kind regards Aileen Rogan

Reply 3: Des Allen, Chief Executive Officer Tennis Ireland

Hi Martina,

This whole question of appropriate underwear for young ladies while playing Tennis does concern us.

Some of the older members of your club probably feel you have quite a cheek for exposing your issues to Tennis Ireland….however we hope to strip away some of the more flimsy arguments and get right to the bottom of this matter.

Before taking up a position on your thong I would ask you to send on some photos/ samples.

We are not about to go into this investigation in a half-assed way.

Des Allen
Chief Executive Officer Tennis Ireland

Settle a bet

To: Derek Mooney
(Subject: One Eyed Animal)

Dear Derek,

I was just wondering if you could settle a bet for me. Is it true that the only naturally occurring one eyed animal is the one eyed trouser snake?

My friend Geraldine says this is true but my neighbours cat only had one eye when she was born so does this make it not true.
Below is a picture of my neighbours cat Toby.

Yours Martina Mary O’Connor

Reply: No Reply!

Danger Here

To: George Hamilton
(Subject: Toast)

Dear George,

I have a question that I thought you might be able to help me with.

Why is it that when I set my toaster for 5 toast I get 6 and then when I try and set at 4 to get 5 I just get 4 toast?

I just don’t get it!!

Insanely yours
Martina Mary O’Connorr

Reply: No Reply!

 

100m hurdle with a difference

We did have some fun with the Garda Press Office from time to time.

To: Garda Press Office
(Subject: Quick question)

Hi,

I’m sorry to bother you but I have a quick query that I’d like to make.

Is it illegal to race prostitutes against each other or would this be classified as breaking the law? Obviously money would change hands but that would not be for sexual favours but strictly for racing purposes. A few freinds of mine are planning a 100m hurdle race for prostitutes along the canal next week but would like clarification on the legality of the matter.

Yours Sincerely

Geraldine P. Cunninghamrn

From: Garda Press Office

Geraldine,

Your email is somewhat confusing. You seem to be intending to identify certain individuals as persons who have broken the law. This could have legal implications for yourself. I would suggest that if you’re seeking legal advice then you should consult a solicitor on the matter.

Perhaps you should also consult with the Revenue Commissioners who would have an interest in investigating earnings liable to tax.

Regards,

Sgt R*** F******,
Press Office,
Garda Si­ochana,
http://www.garda.ie

Im loving it!

Delighted with the hit we got with this one. Doesn’t get much better than your email being discussed at a management meeting.

To: McDonalds Ireland
(Subject: Chicken Nuggets)

Hi my name is Martina Mary O’Connor and I’m a long time customer of McDonalds. The later is important to note in the context of this email and I would expect some degree of respect in return for my loyalty.

The reason I am writing to you is because I’ve finally had enough!! For all the years that I’ve been going to McDonalds it’s always been the same. The bloody Chicken Nuggets don’t fit in the sauce tubs! This simply isn’t good enough. Don’t you know how irritating it is to have to bite off an edge of a chicken nugget before you can dunk it in the sauce tub? I know McDonalds prides itself on customer service, but is this product serving the customers needs to the full? I don’t think so!

I want to know if McDonalds have any plans to rectify this matter. I would suggest making the sauce tubs bigger or making the nuggets themselves more elongated thus allowing patrons like me the opportunity to enjoy each and every single bite of nugget to the full.

Yours Sincerely
Martina Mary ‘Connor

Reply : From: Nicola Branigan /  McDonalds Ireland

Hi Martina,

Shelly O’Hara passed your letter onto me for a reply. Incidentally, as it happens, our chicken supplier from the UK was in Ireland today for a meeting with our supply chain manager and I (Quality Assurance). We were looking at chicken products in the stores in general and I commented that we had received a letter from you about the size of the nuggets and that they did not fit into the sauce pots. So we decided to purchase a couple of portions of nuggets and sauces to look at the situation for ourselves.

There are four different shapes in nuggets. We call them the boot, the bone, the ball and the bell. We tried to dip the boot into the sauce and there was no issue. So we agreed the problem must be with the ball. However, we found that all four shapes dipped into the sauce pots without effort. We were a little confused as to why you were experiencing difficulties?

I do not doubt that you have had issues with the nuggets so I will monitor the situation when I’m in stores. If I do find that this is the case then we will certainly look at this in more detail.

Thank you for taking the time to give us this feedback. It is greatly appreciated.

Regards
Nicola Branigan
Food Safety